You'll Be There
by LSMunch
Summary: Hope is an anchor, and love is a shipTime is the ocean, and life is a tripYou don't know where you're goin' till you know where you're atAnd if you don't read the stars, you better have a map
1. Need

Disclaimer: Munch ain't mine, but Ben is, which makes me kinda happy. He's cute as all get out. grin I created him, of course he is. Oh, and George Strait owns the heartbreaking song. Thanks, King George.

A/N: For those of you who will finish this and want more, don't worry, 18 more chapters after this. They're even all written out and the first four are set to go. Enjoy! And don't forget, reviews make a happy author.

To say I barely saw him come flying at me would be cliché, as well as a lie. I saw him pull away from the officer who was sitting with him and run towards me, nearly knocking the breath out of me as he collided with my stomach. The officer immediately tried to recapture her charge, and Fin made an odd movement next to me, but I waved them off, words getting stuck in my throat. All I could do was hold him to me as he tried to burrow his head into my stomach. I placed one hand on the back of his head, petting his hair, trying to calm him down and aiding in his quest for security and warmth. But mostly security.

Normally, I would have sent him back to the officer and gone on to the crime scene. But this wasn't 'normal'. Instead, I stood in the middle of the hallway, clutching him as if my life depended on it, and I suppose it might have, in a way, for without him... let's just say that there were times I felt like giving up, but kept going because he was there. I closed my eyes, shutting out the sight of cops, CSU technicians, ME assistants... all the trimmings of a murder scene. This one I definitely didn't want in my head.

To say that I lost track of time standing there would also be cliché, but it would be true. The talk going on around me, the questions being asked, it was just a buzz in the background. The people walking around me I didn't notice. It was as if I had fallen into a time warp; the only thing that mattered was the boy I still held. When Fin finally said my name, which I somehow noticed, the ME was ready to leave and Benson and Stabler were there. He said something else, which I didn't really hear but when he waved his hand in front of my face, I snapped out of whatever trance I had been in.

"Stay with him," I said, not really trusting the uniform from before. Only my partner would do. He looked at me a moment before taking the boy's hand. Before he could say anything though, I had entered the hotel room. I looked over it with the eye of a seasoned detective, yet something in the air still made it seem as if this was my very first stiff. There wasn't far to walk, it only being a hotel room. Benson said something, I think, but again, it was only a buzz, a far off voice that didn't penetrate my numb brain.

I looked down at the two body bags. Two ME assistants were in the process of taking one out. I held out my hand and walked over, unzipped it just enough to see the face. I stared at the face of a woman, wondering how the hell this had happened. I closed the bag again and let the assistants leave. I dimly hoped that Fin wouldn't let the boy see the bag. No child needed that in their head. Turning, I knelt by the second body bag. I already knew who lay within, but some sick part of my head needed to see, to make sure. So I pulled down the zipper, staring down at the blood covered face of a man. I must have scared the hell out of Benson or something, because next thing I knew, Stabler was closing the bag, and Benson's hand was on my arm. I looked up at her and saw utter pain upon her features.

Pain I knew was reflected on mine.

I abruptly stood, not meeting my colleagues' eyes, walking out of the room and down the hallway, not even checking to see if Fin was following or not. I needed out of that room, out of that building. When I got outside, I stood underneath the awning and took a deep breath, also needing fresh air. At that moment, even the polluted air of New York City felt fresh. Fin stopped next to me, and for one crazy second, I thought he was going to ask how I was feeling, then realized he didn't need to ask. For one, it was written all over my face, inscribed in my motions and two, he was my partner. We knew these kind of things, only asking to find out what was wrong. And for this, he didn't need to ask what was wrong, it was obvious.

My brother and his wife were dead. Murdered. And my nephew... he was now an orphan.

No questions were needed.


	2. Why

As soon as Fin and I returned to the squad room, Cragen opened his door. "John," he called, and beckoned with a finger. Again, I left Fin in charge of my nephew. Cragen waited by his door for me, closing it once I had entered. He gestured towards a seat, but my legs wouldn't allow me to walk the extra step to sit down. "I can't let you work this one, John. I put Benson and Stabler on instead."

I nodded. There was no use in protesting, and I didn't really want the case anyway. Don't get me wrong, I wanted justice for my brother, would kill to get it, but I also had to think of my nephew and his well being. Mine be damned, as long as he was taken care of. I was the only one left to do that.

"And I want you to take some time off."

I nodded again. What was I supposed to do? Sit at my desk and let my nephew see what we did for living? Over my dead body.

"What's his name?" His voice was suddenly much softer than usual and I was aware that he was looking past me to where Fin was sitting with my nephew.

"Ben." My voice didn't sound normal, but I dismissed it. Cragen nodded a bit. I looked out to Ben as well, then quickly back to Cragen. "I think I'll take a week."

He nodded again. "As much time as you need. Listen, John..."

I met his eyes and he stopped talking, knowing that I'd tell him if I needed anything. Nodding once more, he sighed and sat down at his desk. I left.

For a moment, standing right outside the Captain's door, I watched Fin try to engage Ben in a game, conversation, anything. It struck me how funny my partner looked beside my nephew and I nearly smiled.

Nearly.

Before the realization that my nephew was now in my care; his parents, my brother... dead. I sort of stumbled back then, leaning against Cragen's door frame. Fin looked up at that point. Something other than the fact that I was not standing on my own must have alerted him that I wasn't doing so well, because he was quickly by my side. "Hey, man. Easy does it. Why don't you sit down." He walked beside me the twenty feet or so to my desk and made sure I sat down before letting Ben loose on me. But Ben only stood by my elbow, studying my face which must have been pale. "You wanna drink or somethin'?"

I shook my head, not trusting my voice. I knew he was looking at me, could feel his eyes studying me, making sure I wasn't going to do anything stupid. To answer what I knew to be a questioning look, I said, "Cap took me off. Don't worry about it."

"What about your nephew?"

I shrugged. "I've gotta take care of him. Where else is he gonna go?"

I listened as he walked back to his seat, and the creak as he sat down. "You takin' some time?"

"Yeah. A week. For now."

Unlike Cragen, he didn't offer to be available day or night. But it wasn't because he didn't care... it's just because that's the way we worked. We knew that the other would call, and if not, if they were being stubborn, we knew to go over to their apartment and pester them until they give it up. Hey, don't look at me like that, like it's wrong not to say something. Like I said, it's how we worked.

"You hungry, Ben?" I asked abruptly.

He looked at me and for a moment I was unnerved by his green eyes staring unblinkingly at me. Then, it passed as he nodded slightly.

"Besnon and Stabler are gonna hafta talk with him, you know that, right?" Fin warned.

"Just tell 'em we went to the diner."

When Ben and I returned to the office, Stabler and my partner were gone. Benson was sitting at her desk. She turned around as I hung up my jacket. "Hey," she said. "How's he doin'?"

I looked down at Ben as I sat at my desk. "Still won't talk."

"I'll take him upstairs, see if maybe he'll talk or something. I gotta know what he saw, if anything."

I nodded. "I know." I turned to Ben, who was standing next to me, watching us talk. "Go with my friend Olivia. She's going to talk to you, okay?" He made no move or sound of acknowledgement. Benson got up and knelt in front of him.

"I know you don't want to talk about it, so maybe we can find something else to talk about? How's that sound?" She smiled and I thanked whatever god there might be that Olivia Benson was so good with kids. She took Ben's hand and led him upstairs. I leaned back in my chair and watched them leave, then sighed, one question going through my head.

_Why?_


	3. Home

A/N: Okay, so I forgot to mention this in the first couple chapters, but they were set on August 3, 2006. This chapter is set on August 6.

It was the day after the funeral. I had made reservations at a hotel down in Baltimore and I was taking Ben down there to get some clothes and whatever else he needed. If I could, I would've left him in New York and gone by myself. I didn't want to risk him... I don't even know, but I didn't want him to hurt more. But I couldn't, so instead he was in the seat beside me, looking out the window. Every once in a while, I'd look over and ask him a question, and if I was lucky, he'd look in my direction, but mostly he just stared out the window. At one point, he fell asleep, but other than that, the ride was silent.

When we got into Baltimore, I drove straight to my brother's house. I parked in front and for a moment I just looked at it. There were a few newspapers on the sidewalk. Then, I looked down at Ben, who was still staring out the window. "C'mon, kiddo." I opened my door and got out, but he didn't move. I went to his side of the car and opened the door. Kneeling down on the curb I looked at his small face. "C'mon, Ben." I held out my hand and when he didn't take it or move even, I leaned over him and undid his seatbelt. I tried again. "Gotta get you some clothes, kiddo. C'mon."

He didn't move.

Closing my eyes, I sighed. "Please, Ben." His eyes flicked down to me. I held out my hand again. "C'mon." I nodded my head towards the house.

Finally, he got out of the car and I closed the door after him, his small hand secure in mine. I had taken the house key from my brother's coat pocket in New York. It bounced back and forth between my fingers in my pocket. When we reached the door, I took it out and opened the door, pushing it open into an empty house._ I have to sell it,_ I realized as we went inside. "Why don't you go upstairs and get your clothes together? I'll find a box." He scrambled up the stairs and I turned to the living room, box completely forgotten as I saw the pictures on every available surface.

They were mostly of Ben, some with my brother, others with my sister-in-law, some of them all together. There was a table dedicated to Bernie, including pictures of me and him. There were a few pictures of my sister-in-law and her family on another table.

Shaking my head, I walked upstairs and poked my head into Ben's room. "How's it goin', kiddo?"

He turned around before going back to emptying his drawers. I stood a moment more, watching him pack up his former life and then went down the hall to the door for the attic. Pulling the chain hanging from the bare light bulb, the wood floor was illuminated as well as the neatly piled stuff. 'Stuff' was the closest I could get to describing the array of things in boxes and on top of the boxes. After looking around for a moment, I found two empty boxes and took them, lingering for a moment before pulling the chain and bathing the room in darkness again.

The last room in the hallway was my brother's and his wife's bedroom. I left the boxes by the door before going in and looking at the things on top of the dressers and in the nightstands. I didn't find much, just what one might expect to see in a happy couple's bedroom. I left, snatching up the boxes and returning to Ben's room. He was looking at his toys and books which were housed on a bookshelf. "Here's a couple boxes for your clothes." He held out a toy and a couple books. "Put those in too, if you want. And if you still have room, you can bring some more books and toys."

This time, I didn't hang around the door, instead, went straight downstairs and back into the living room and to the small desk in the far corner. In it I knew I would find the business side of the house; the tax records, bills, that sort of stuff. What I didn't expect to find was an album full of pictures from me and Bernie's childhood. I took it out of the drawer and sat down on the couch, opening to the first page. As I turned the pages, I couldn't help but be brought back to every single memory the pictures evoked. I found myself sobbing soon, over a picture of me, Bernie and our parents. We were all smiling in the back yard.

Bernie's death didn't really hit me until that moment on his couch the day after his funeral. Only then was I really able to break down and cry, mourn for the loss of my last direct relative, my brother.

When the tears finally ceased, I wiped my face, took a deep breath and went back up to Ben's room. This time, when I stood in his doorway, he got up and came over, hugging me. All I could do was close my eyes, return the hug and reflect on this trip home.


	4. Run

A/N: I believe the date for this chapter is August 9.

Ben was asleep on the couch when Fin came by. After letting him in, I led the way into the kitchen, not wanting our talk to disrupt Ben's sleep. He had been getting very little, what with waking up every night with nightmares. I handed Fin a cup of coffee. "So, what's up?"

He shrugged. "Just seein' how you and the kid are doin'."

I looked towards the living room, the dark outline of the couch just visible. "He still won't talk and wakes up every night, screaming and crying. I've even debating taking him to Huang or someone." My gaze shifted to the cup between my hands. "When we were down in Baltimore, I stopped by his school to get his records transferred to a school here, for September. Been looking in the paper for a larger place, somewhere where he'll have his own room, 'stead of the couch. Haven't found anything yet."

"I might know someplace. Buddy from Narcotics is lookin' for a smaller place; he just got divorced. I'll give him a call."

Nodding, I said, "Thanks." I took a sip of my coffee.

"You okay?"

_That's a good question,_ I thought, mildly serious. "All right, I guess. Just tryin' to keep up with Ben, mostly." It was a lie, and I knew it.

Fin did too. "Don't feed me that crap."

I kept my eyes on the swirling going on in my cup.

"Look, you need a break, you call me, I'll watch him. You go out and do whatever the hell it is you do to relax."

"I don't want a break."

"You're going to, and you're gonna call me."

There was no arguing with him once he had his mind set on something. "All right."

After a few minutes, "Cragen's worried 'bout you."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really. And I'm gonna tell him you're doin' good. Bt if I see anything wrong, he's gonna know about it."

"Yes, sir." I threw a mock salute. The warning glare was in his eyes and my gaze dropped back down to my coffee. I felt like a little kid being reprimanded, or at least in the presence of a formidable adult. _Which is half true,_ I thought.

We sat in silence for what must have been an hour. Finally, Fin looked at his watch then back at me. "I gotta go. Work."

I nodded. "Thanks for stopping by."

"Oh, Benson told my to tell you to bring Ben in tomorrow, whenever is good. She wants to see if maybe Elliot can get him to talk."

"They can try. I haven't been able to get him to."

Hands in his pockets, he was quiet for a moment before he said, "Do me a favor. Don't run from this. The pain." And then he left, the door closing quietly behind him.

_Don't run._

Okay.


	5. Casey

A/N: Short chapter, I know. And after such a long wait... oh well. MAybe I'll post 6 tomorrow.

"Counselor!" I called after her and she turned around, a box in her hands. Jogging to catch up, I took the box from her. "D'you know any good adoption lawyers?"

"Thanks. A couple, yeah. This about your nephew?" She hitched her bag higher up on her shoulder.

"How'd ya know?"

"Olivia dropped by my office yesterday for a warrant and mentioned it. How's he doing?" We stopped in front of the elevator.

I would have shrugged, but the box made it difficult so I settled for a slight tilt of the head. "Nightmares every night and he won't talk." I sighed. "Been thinking about talkin' to Huang."

"Munch? Willingly talk to a shrink? Your nephew must really mean a lot to you." She smiled as we got on the elevator.

One side of my mouth lifted in a half-smile. "Yeah, well. I'm all he's got. Gotta do what's best for him. Rather, I want to do what's best. Don't want him growing up some twisted son of a bitch like me, right?"

"Another Munch... whatever should we do?"

"Hide." She laughed.

"I'll talk to my friend about it," she said, returning to the original topic.

"Casey," I started, trying to think of something to say, but the only thing I could come up with was, "Thanks."

She nodded and I handed back her box. "I'll call you later." And she walked down the hallway.


	6. Dinner

I opened the door to find Fin and Olivia standing in the hallway. "What are you guys doin' here?"

"Giving you a night off. Have you had dinner yet?"

"No, why?"

"You're coming with me," Olivia said.

"Where?"

"To eat. Fin's gonna watch Ben. C'mon."

"I can't just leave," I protested.

"Sure you can, and you are," Fin said.

I rolled my eyes and turned my back on them, walking into the living room. "Hey, kiddo." I kneeled in front of him. "Fin's gonna stay with you for a while. I'll be back soon."

He looked up at me, silent. Fin walked over and sat next to him. "I brought a movie." He held it up. I was surprised he even knew what kind of movie to get. He held it out to Ben, and he took it in his small hands and looked at the back. I beckoned Fin over to the door with a finger.

"Listen, if he falls asleep and has any nightmares, you just gotta sit with him. Rubbing his back usually gets him to calm down."

"Hey, chill man. We'll be fine." He shook his head. "You sound like a regular mother."

"Yeah, well, sorry if I don't trust my partner with a ten-year old kid, especially one that just happens to be my nephew." I bent down to tie my shoes. Straightening, I added, "I'll be back soon."

"Don't worry. We'll be fine," he repeated. I glanced over at the couch where Ben was still examining the cover of the DVD Fin had brought. I eyed Fin for a moment before turning to Olivia.

"Let's go. The sooner we leave, the sooner we can come back."

"They'll be fine. Fin's right, you are turning into a regular mother hen."

I glared at her for a minute as we rode the elevator down. "So where are we going?"

"You'll see."

"I'm not a fan of surprises, I'll have you know."

"Oh well."

I sighed and followed her down the sidewalk. We were soon at a diner I stopped at every once in a while. "You dragged me out for this?" I motioned towards the building.

"Hey, they've got good food," she said, and I remembered the first time I had taken her there after an especially rough case we had caught. We sat in a booth in the back, away what few people were in there. A waitress came by and we ordered. Then we waited in silence.

"Casey told me that you mentioned Ben to her," I finally said.

"Yeah. I went over to get a warrant and one thing led to another. I didn't think you'd mind, what with it being an open investigation."

"No, it's fine. In fact, it probably made it easier."

"Made what easier?"

The waitress came by at that moment. "Anything else, dears?"

"No, thank you."

"Now, you enjoy your food." She left to go to another table where a couple of college students were sitting.

"I asked her if she knew any good adoption lawyers. She called me yesterday evening to tell me that her friend, some woman she went to law school with, said yes, she'd handle my case."

"So, you are gonna adopt Ben?"

"Well, yeah. Otherwise, I'm not technically his legal guardian. I don't want that to be thrown in my face later."

We ate in silence for a few minutes, but it wasn't at all awkward. "Fin mentioned you were looking for a bigger apartment."

"Ben's been sleeping on the couch for the past week. Wouldn't look good to have my nephew not even have his own room, and me trying to adopt him. I wouldn't look fit. Right now, I'm just waiting for Fin to tell me what his friend said." At her quizzical look, I elaborated, "He came over Wednesday night and when I mentioned it, he said a buddy of his back in Narcotics just got divorced and he's lookin' for a smaller place, and trying to get rid of his so..."

She nodded. "When you move, give me a call, I'll help out."

"Oh, I was gonna call all of you, whether you liked it or not."

"Figures." She took another bite of her food. After swallowing, she said, "Well, it seems like you've got everything figured out."

I snorted into my drink. "_Seems_ like. Believe me, I'm running around blind here. I mean, suddenly asked to raise a ten-year old boy is not something I was expecting to happen to me. Not that I'm miserable doig it or anything. It's just... I'm fifty-six-years old. That's too old to be raising a kid as young as Ben. I thought if I ever had kids, I'd be young. Thirty, forty at the most, not nearly sixty. He should have a father that's young enough to run around, take him to the park to play catch or throw around a football. Not one who's idea of an exciting Friday night is a new special on the History Channel." I shook my head. "He should have his parents, not me."

"John, there's nothing you can do to get his parents back. Even catching their killer... it can't bring them back. You're going to have to just do your best. And just think, you've got me and Fin and Elliot. You'll do fine by him."

I looked up at her. "How can you say that? How can you say that with such conviction?"

A small smile graced her face. "I know you, John. That's how."

"Then you should know that I'm just a rotten old man, cynical as can be. I'm a burden on a kid, not helpful. I can't raise a kid. I shouldn't be allowed to."

"That's not all you are. You've got one of the biggest hearts I know. You're not a rotten old man, you're one that cares. Too much for his own good sometimes." She smiled again. "Just think of all the conspiracy theories you can teach him. He's young, he'll believe you."

I shook my head, wanting to believe her, but unable to. She sensed it and put her hand over mine. I closed my eyes. "I can't do this, Olivia. I can't."

"And if you give up now, where is that going to leave Ben?"

"With a shot at a new family. One with a mother and a father. Maybe even a brother. Or a sister. Not with his old uncle."

"No. It'll leave him alone and scared with no one who cares about him like you do. No matter what you say, no matter how old you are, you're what he has now. And you know what, I bet you he's a hell of a lot happier with you than with ACS or in a foster home."

I opened my eyes and looked at her, this weird pain in my chest and a stinging behind my eyes. "What if I fail?" I nearly whispered.

"You won't." Her voice was soft, and finally, a part of me, a very small part, was able to believe her. "You won't, John."

I squeezed her hand lightly and she smiled that small smile again and I couldn't help but let one of my own cross my face.


	7. Talk

"Hey, Doc! Hold up a minute!" I called down the hallway. He stopped and turned around. "Can I talk to you a minute?"

"Sure. What's up?"

"It's my nephew. He still won't talk. I just wanted to know... is there anything I can do? Get him to talk to me?" I looked back towards the squad room. "And we think he saw something."

"All you can really do is give it time. What do you do now to try and get him to talk?"

"I ask him questions, anything from what he wants for dinner to..." I searched for something else.

"That's all you can do, detective. He needs time, and love. If you give that to him, he'll talk."

"It's been a week and a half," I said, exasperated.

He shook his head. "There's no telling how long it will take him. What he witnessed would traumatize an adult. He's only ten. The amount of damage done to his psyche may never be known in it's entirety. Only time can tell." Seeing the defeat written so plainly on my face he added, "I'll talk with him again, if you think it would help."

"You're the doctor..." I look out the window we're standing next to. "Look, I don't know anymore. I just want him to be comfortable enough to talk to me about this. Sometimes he wakes up in the night, screaming and crying, but he won't tell me anything. All I can do is hold him and wait for him to calm down. He hasn't talked to Olivia, Elliot, Fin or even Cragen. I just thought that by now..." I left the sentence hanging. I shook my head and muttered, more to myself than him, "I don't know what to do."

He looked at me and then, as if making a decision, said, "Bring him in tomorrow. I'll come by and talk to him. After lunch."

I turned back to him. "Thanks." He smiled and walked away. I sighed and looked back out the window, leaning on the concrete sill.


	8. Normal

Huang closed the door behind him, leaving Ben alone at the small table. He shrugged. "Sorry, Detective." He stood next to me and looked through the window at Ben, who was staring at the table. "I'm going to call Liz Olivet, see if she'd be willing to talk to him. With what he's seen, I think it's best if she were to handle treatment as she specializes in children. Is anytime good for you?"

"Just about, yeah. Listen, thanks Doc, for trying."

He looked at me and I was reminded just how strange the little man was. "He's going to need therapy, quite a bit of it, as far as I can tell, so that he doesn't develop any serious psychiatric problems. For his nightmares, all you can do is reassure him. Make sure he feels safe, but at the same time, don't be overprotective. Continue trying to talk to him. Be patient. It's going to take time for him to heal. Although he doesn't have any physical injuries, what's going on mentally is different story. There will be times, months and years from now, when he'll wake up with a nightmare, or he'll think back on what he witnessed and be unable to cope with it suddenly. Become angry, or depressed. But most importantly, right now, is to deal with the present. Try to prevent major problems in the future, but mostly to think about now. What he needs now."

I looked away and through the glass at Ben, was still staring at the table. "What about the fact that he's been..." I searched for the right word, "numb."

"He doesn't want to get hurt again. Hence ensuring him that he's safe, both with you and other people, mainly the rest of the squad, as he seems to be around them nearly as much as with you. The fact that he will go back to school in a couple weeks is also something to think about. He'll be back with kids his own age, yet he'll be much different than he was around his friends last year. And it's a completely new school, with new people. It's something that will be of more concern as the date approaches."

"How is he supposed to be normal again?" _How am I supposed to be normal again?_

"He won't be. There's no way he possibly can be. He may appear over time to return to normal, but this will always linger on his mind. There may be times when he pushes it from his mind, but it will come back later. He'll never return to his old self. Whatever he becomes will be the new normal. You'll both have to adjust."

"Thanks, Doc," I said again.

He nodded, "I'll call you with the time Liz Olivet can meet with you," and left after one last look through the glass. Looking through the glass, I realized that things really wouldn't be normal ever again. They would never be like they once were. I would never again go visit my nephew and my brother. Ben would never again see his parents. He would never again know life without the sight of his parents' dead bodies lingering in his mind.

I mean after all, what was normal?


	9. Precious

It was hot and I had abandoned any semblance of a long sleeve shirt and donned an old t-shirt that boasted "Baltimore Police Depatment" and its emblem. I hadn't worn it in a while, probably about a year, at least. Ben was walking ahead of me in shorts and a t-shirt, though somehow, I think he wasn't as affected by the heat as I was. He had grown up in the heat of a Baltimore summer, as had I, but since I had moved up to New York I had become accustomed to slightly cooler temperatures and the ninety-something-degree weather was not something I was enjoying at the moment.

"So how'd it go with Olivet?" Olivia asked.

I shrugged. "He didn't talk at all. Not that I really expected him to. She wants to see him again next Monday, first thing in the morning. She said it's normal for him to have nightmares and the like. She's going to try some exercises to make him talk, but I'm not letting my hopes get too high."

"You know, she's really good. I'd say probably the best person that can help Ben right now."

"So, I'm not the best person for him right now?"

"John, that's not what I said, and you know it. She's the best professional that'll be able to help him."

I didn't respond; I knew she was right, which made it somewhat difficult to come up with some wise ass remark. "I'm sorry," I said softly. "I shouldn't have said that. I knew you weren't doubting me, I just..."

"You're tired and it's hot. Don't worry about it."

"How can you be so forgiving?"

"It wasn't that big of a deal."

"No, I mean in general. These past few weeks have been... crazy, to put it simply, and anything I do you just brush off, no matter how much of a jerk I'm being. How do you do that?" Up ahead, Ben had leaned over to look at something on the ground, giving us time to catch up.

She shrugged. "Like you said, the last few weeks have been crazy. You don't need an argument with a friend on your mind."

I knew she wasn't telling the whole truth, but that was because she didn't know herself. It was programmed into her, just like being such a good detective, or caring person. And I loved her for it. "I've been meaning to ask, would you mind coming shopping with me and Ben? He's outgrown some of his pants and I... well, I figured you'd be the best person to ask. Somehow, I can't see Fin shopping for clothes, at any time, even for himself."

She laughed. "Neither can I. I have off tomorrow, if you want to go then."

I nodded. "Sounds like a date."

"I'll come over your place around ten-thirty?"

"If I can wake Ben up. He sleeps late most mornings because he's up at some inane hour of the night, or rather, morning and has trouble falling back to sleep."

"It sounds like he's turning into one of us. Nightmares, trouble falling asleep, sleeping late whenever we can."

"Not exactly what I was hoping he'd turn into. A veteran cop at age ten. Has to be a record." I shook my head. "He's never gonna be a cop."

"You can't just say that."

"I can say it, doesn't mean it'll happen, but I can sure as hell try." I watched him as he watched some older boys playing baseball. "I don't want him turning out like us, Liv," I said softly. "I don't want him to turn into a cynical lifer." I paused. "I want him to be safe."

"He will be, as long as you're by his side, supporting his decisions."

I looked at her. "What about when I die?"

She looked at me, sadness in her eyes. "He'll deal with that when it comes. And hopefully, you'll have taught him enough so that he can move through it and be his own man, make his own decisions."

"I just don't want him turning into us."

"We're not that bad, are we?" she joked lightly and smiled a bit. "You'll do fine and he'll be a fine man, just like you. Don't worry about it."

I shook my head, disbelieving that I was a fine man. As I focused again on Ben, I realized why Elliot always took it so personally with every case involving a child. We all took those cases rough, but I had never known what it was like to have to go home and look at your sleeping kid and want to protect him from everything horrible in this world. To look at a precious piece of life, something that was your own flesh and blood, and want to shield them from the horrors you saw day in and day out.

Life was precious. As were children.

As was Ben.


	10. Fall

"How'd it go with the shrink?" Fin asked.

"Olivet? Went all right. Her 'exercises' didn't work though; he still isn't talking."

"Did you expect him to?"

I shrugged. "Not really, but I wanted him to. He's the only thing we have. The only road we have left to take, and it's closed for repairs." I shook my head, then took a sip of my tea. We were sitting in the living room, Ben having fallen back to sleep in my bed. Fin had left for work early and stopped by. "I can't help but wonder if he never talks."

"He'll talk, if only to tell you to shut up." The small joke was meant for both of us to lighten up a bit.

"Very funny." But it was appreciated, even if it had been a stab at my fondness of relating various conspiracy theories to any given member of the squad, or even those who weren't. "Someone's gotta educate you guys."

"As long as it's not you, I don't mind. In fact, anyone but you and I would be happy."

"S'pose that means you want me to retire and you to get stuck with Kearney permanently. I see. Guess I'll have to talk to Cragen then."

"Okay, you caught me. I'd rather you than Kearney. God is that kid annoying." He shook his head.

"Bet you he's related to Cassidy." My mind went back to the greenie I'd been partnered with when I first came to SVU. He was a nice guy, sure, but sex crimes just wasn't his deal.

"Cassidy's all right." Fin had worked with him for a few months in Narcotics. "Funny guy. Fast learner."

"Yeah. Right."

"He was good at B&Bs, took down quite a few guys that led to bigger fish. He's a good cop."

"Narcotics, not Special Victims."

He was quiet for a moment. "These cases... it's an acquired taste. A bitter one, like coffee. Takes time to get used to it. Cassidy doesn't have the build for it. So what? He makes a good Narc."

"Like you?" It could have been construed that I was saying he wasn't a good partner, or good with the victims or just the types of cases in general, but he knew better.

"Yeah. Like me," he said quietly. The room was quiet for a few minutes and I debated putting on the news, but what was the point? It wasn't helpful, other than telling us the rising death toll in Iraq, or about another suicide bomber, or which celebrities were doing what. I'd read the paper later, when Ben was still sleeping and Fin had left. I took another sip of my tea.

"Talked to my buddy. 'Bout his apartment." I nodded, remembering the conversation from a couple weeks ago. "Said he sounds interested, on both counts. You buying, and him checking it out over here. He said he's got off Thursday, if you wanna drop by and look around."

"Sounds good. You got an address?" He nodded and fished a piece of paper out of his suit pocket.

"Wrote it down for ya."

I took the paper and looked down at it. "Not far from here, huh?"

"Nah, walked it in about fifteen minutes." I looked up at him. "Saturday, went to talk to him about it, then dropped by here but you weren't home. Before I went on shift."

"I went shopping with Liv. Ben needed some clothes." I smiled when I remembered picturing Fin shopping.

"What?" He had caught the smile.

"Oh, nothing." My smile got bigger.

"Give it up, old man."

"Jibes at my age will be deflected. I will not give it up." I loved it when he got frustrated.

"Whatever," he tried to brush it off. Glancing down at his watch he added, "Gotta go."

I nodded, then held up the paper as I said, "I'll drop by Thursday. Did he mention a time?"

"Said around eleven's good."

"I'll be there. Thanks."

He nodded and left. I sat back down on the couch and looked down at the tea in my mug, which was settling from my movements. I let myself fall into the moving liquid as I started thinking.


	11. Fear

"He fall back asleep?" I asked Olivia. She was standing behind me; had just come up to the roof.

"Yeah. Kept looking for you though," she said quietly.

I snorted. "He shouldn't have."

"Why not?"

"A sour old bastard putting the kid back to sleep... He needs his mother."

"That sour old bastard has been putting him back to sleep for the past two weeks. I don't understand how he suddenly can't do it. I thought he was doing quite a good job of it, acting like a father would, certainly more than the uncle he is." She was standing next to me now, about an arm's length away. "But he wasn't acting anything close to a sour bastard."

"Don't you mean 'sour old bastard'?"

"No, because he has been acting like an old bastard." I could hear the very slight amusement in her voice. "Thinking he's too old to take care of his one and only nephew. Doubting his abilities to raise a child simply because he happens to be fast approaching sixty and that scares him shitless. Because he's going to have to retire soon from a job that he loves and hates in the same breath. And he doesn't know what he's going to do to support his nephew after that. If only his nephew were a little older, he'd leave and go to college sooner, be able to get his inheritance money sooner. Of course, the thought of his nephew leaving scares him shitless too. Looks like the old bastard is scared shitless all over."

"What a way with words for a lady."

"Lady? Old man, I'm your conscience." And she left me to stand on that damned roof in the August heat and think on what she had said. Excuse me, what my conscience said.

But she was right, on all counts, except maybe the one about not being sour. I could teach a lemon or two what sour was. Old bastard scared shitless of this new world he's been thrust into. That's all I was. I didn't want the responsibility of raising Ben, but at the same time, I didn't want him to grow up and have to walk into the world. I was scared that I'd do something wrong, but I think I was scared of doing something right. How would I know either way? It would be too late by the time I could tell, wrong or right.

I could walk into a building where I knew there to be a man with a weapon. Could interrogate the hell out of a guy three times my size. Could bicker and argue with Elliot or Fin until they were on the brink of punching me. Could go inside a building ready to collapse if it meant saving an innocent person. And I wouldn't be scared. Not really.

Talk to me about raising my nephew and it's a whole different story. About doing right by him. Raising him into a fine man. Letting him go into the world. And I was scared shitless.

Although, perhaps fear is all relative.


	12. Safe

His yelling woke me up. I immediately got out of bed and went into the living room. He was sitting up on the couch, alternating between yelling and crying. It was the sixth time this week, and it was Saturday. "Hey, Ben, shh... it's okay." I sat next to him and pulled him close to me, holding him.

His only response was to cry.

I didn't know what exactly he saw in his nightmares that woke him up because he wouldn't talk to me, or anyone for that matter. I could only imagine. He had been waking up almost every night since that day, and it was starting on his fourth week with me.

Rubbing his back, he calmed down slowly, but I didn't blame him. Seeing your dead parents... I knew what it was like to see a father dead by his own hand. _Seems like it runs in the family,_ I thought. But what a thing to pass on to your child. Stroking his hair, I asked, "You wanna come sleep with me again, kiddo?"

He didn't respond, which I expected, but he didn't move either, which I wasn't expecting. Looking at his face, I saw his eyes were closed. He had fallen back to sleep. I smiled and shook my head.

At least he was safe.


	13. Nowhere

After making sure Ben had left with Olivia, I turned to Fin and Elliot. "Anything new?" It had become the norm; I brought in Ben, he left with Benson or Stabler, I asked whoever was left if there were any new leads in the case.

Elliot shrugged. "Talked to the hotel again. They don't have anyone suspicious on the cameras, anywhere. We checked and rechecked all the employees. We looked over the guest list, but no one had priors in Baltimore."

"So he changed his name," I said.

He shrugged again and Fin said, "Yeah, but what to? And even if you were to look at a picture of him, would you remember him if you had arrested him back in Baltimore?"

"You think I'm incompetent? Can't recognize a guy I collared? Even if it was a few years ago?"

"Look, John, no one's saying that," Elliot tried.

"Let me look at the tapes. You guys never see anything useful anyway." I stood up and looked expectantly from Elliot to Fin and back again. "Well?"

Elliot sighed and looked sidelong at Fin.

"Don't look at him, he can't answer for you," I said.

"Hey, don't talk to me like I'm some perp. I know you're grieving and trying to take care of your nephew, but chill." Elliot stood up. Snapping out his hand, he pointed to the room next to Cragen's office. "Have fun."

I looked at him for a moment and remembered the last time I had really gotten angry with him, and protective over Amy, and we had wound up holding onto each other's jackets as he tried to calm me down. Without thinking on it anymore, I followed the direction of his finger and went into the room, slamming the door shut behind me. I threw around some equipment, not hard, but enough for Fin to come in.

"Hey, man, he's right. Calm down."

I glared at my partner for a minute before going back to setting up the tape. I pulled out a chair and sat down, hard, pressing the 'play' button on the remote.

"We've been over these a hundred times. If there was something there, we would've caught it."

I ignored him and finally he left. Hours passed as I went through the tapes, but I didn't notice. I was so intent on the faces and actions of the people in the security tapes that days might have passed by and I wouldn't have noticed. I heard the quiet creak of the door and the outside noise get louder, and then another creak and the noise was

dimmed. "Any luck?" a soft voice asked.

"Not yet. You?" I hadn't looked up.

She sighed. "No."

I continued to watch the television and the slightly blurry people moving across it.

"Fin told me that you seem a bit stressed out. You all right?" Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that her hands were in her pockets.

"Fine." It came out sharply and I hit the 'pause' button as I sighed myself and closed my eyes.

"You don't look like it," she said, quietly. "You look like you could use some sleep."

"I never knew raising a kid would be so hard. I mean, I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I didn't know it would be this hard. I mean... I don't know what I mean." I pushed up my glasses and pinched the bridge of my nose. "You're right," I finally ceded. "I could use some sleep."

"Why don't you go up to the crib? I'll watch Ben."

I shook my head. "I don't want him to be around here more than necessary. He's seen too much already."

"John, it's not a sure thing that he saw what happened."

"Like hell it isn't. Look, I know he saw it happen. Trust me?"

She was quiet for a moment before a small, "Okay."

"I've got about an hour left on this tape. I'll come out when I finish." I looked up at her and she nodded. "I promise." She nodded again. I turned back to the television and punched the 'play' button as I heard the noise increase, then decrease again as she left.

"Hey, John... c'mon, go up to the crib," I heard someone say.

I looked up, glasses crooked, the picture of exhaustion, and the first thing I saw was the paused security tape staring at me. "Him," I mumbled.

"C'mon, man. Up to the crib," the voice persisted.

"Nah, that's him." I adjusted my glasses, the sleepy feeling quickly wearing off. "That's him." I pointed at the television.

Fin finally looked at the screen.

"That's him. I arrested him back in Baltimore for murdering his brother. He got convicted. Twenty to life." I ran my hand through my hair. "He must have appealed. No way he got out on parole." I stared at the screen for a moment more before getting up, pushing my chair back harder than needed. "I gotta call somebody." I left him standing looking after me as I went into the squad room.

Time to get in touch with someone from murder police, about fifteen years ago.

Better than going nowhere.


	14. Telephone

A/N: Sgt. Kay Howard is a character from Homicide: Life on the Streets, for those who don't know. That was where Munch's character originated.

"Sergeant Howard, please," I told the desk sergeant who answered the phone.

"Howard," her familiar voice answered after a minute.

"Hey, Kay."

"Munchkin?" Her laugh sounded and I could picture her clear as if she was standing right in front of me. "What the hell do you want now?"

"What makes you think I want something?" I made it sound as if I was offended.

"Because the last three times you called you needed something. Maybe that's why." She had a point. "What can I do you outta?"

I paused for a minute, my chest tightening a bit. It hurt to talk about my brother, especially to tell someone I had once worked with, or was friends with, what had happened. "My brother and his wife were murdered in a hotel up here."

"Geez, Munch. When?" She sounded concerned.

"August third."

"And you're only tellin' me this now? Forget that, what do you need?"

"I was looking through the security tapes the hotel had and came across this one guy I recognized from a while back. He must have used an alias to get a room at the hotel, because there weren't any visitors that morning, and all the ones that had been there the night before left by midnight."

"You want his file?" she guessed.

"Well, I can't remember his name, but I remember he killed his brother and Danvers sent him away for twenty to life. Other than that..."

"I'll use my oh-so-mighty powers and find that out. Don't you have a nephew?" she asked suddenly, and I could tell she had just remembered.

"Yeah, he's ten. Been living with me ever since his parents were killed and I'm trying to adopt him."

"You should've told me, John."

"I know, but when I drove down the day after the funeral, I wasn't really thinking about you, sorry. I was more focused on packing up whatever Ben needed and getting his school records and the like. Called in some favors from some people too, for selling the house and clearing it out and the like. I've been busy."

"I'll check out that file for you, then. Call you when I get it."

I gave her my number and we said our goodbyes. I hung up the phone and sat for a minute, talking with Kay having brought up a few memories, both those that I wouldn't mind revisiting and those that were the hearts of nightmares. Closing my eyes, I gave my head a brief shake to clear the debris.

"What was that all about?" Fin asked. He had walked in as I had hung up the phone.

"Called an old friend. Asked her about that guy in the tape. She's gonna look it up for me. Hopefully we'll get something by tomorrow, later if we're lucky."

He nodded and sat down at his desk. "I was gonna send a picture of that guy down there, but you beat me to it. Doesn't matter, long as we let 'em know and they're doin' somethin' about it."

"Yeah."

"You all right?" I heard the genuine concern in his voice and it occurred to me that it had been there since my brother had been murdered.

"Yeah."

He looked skeptical, but didn't say anything more as Kearney walked back into the squad room. Before he could tell me to get out of 'his' chair, I said, "I gotta head home. See ya later." I left without acknowledging Kearney, which I don't think bothered him in the slightest, and went upstairs to where I knew Ben was.


	15. Questions

"Did you see anything, Ben?" It must have been the millionth time he had been asked, and yet we kept asking, hoping he'd answer someday.

This time, instead of staring blankly at Olivia, there was a slight movement of his head, which both Olivia and I saw; I could tell by the way she kind of perked up, almost like a dog hearing it's name.

"What did you see, Ben?"

His mouth opened, but he must have whispered it because from where I was, on the other side of the window, I couldn't hear him.

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Could you say that again, Ben?"

His mouth stayed shut.

"Ben, it's okay. I need to know. Then I can find out who did this and punish them. Do you understand?"

Again, the almost imperceptible nod of his head. Then, his mouth moved and I heard, "He killed them." I was clenching my hands in fists on the ledge before the window. He had _talked._ Finally, four weeks, a whole damn _month_ later, he had talked. If I hadn't known any better, I might have burst into the room and scooped him up in a hug, I was so happy.

"Who?"

"The man."

"What did the man look like?" Upon being met with silence, she tried, "What color was his hair?"

He tugged on his own locks.

"Brown? Like yours?" He nodded. "How about his eyes? What color were they?" Silence again. "Did you see his eyes?" He shook his head. "That's okay. Did he have a beard, like Fin? Or was his face smooth, like Uncle John's?"

"A beard."

"Like Fin's?" He shook his head. "Okay, show me on your face where his beard was."

Ben touched his face, near his ear and went down to his chin, around his mouth and then up to the other ear.

"All over, then?" He nodded. "Was it the same color as the rest of his hair? Brown?" Ben shook his head again. "No? Then was it lighter? Or darker?"

"Lighter."

"Was it gray, or more blonde?"

"Gray."

"What was the man wearing?"

"Jeans. They had holes."

"Where were the holes?"

"On his knees."

"What else was he wearing?"

"A t-shirt. And a shirt with buttons."

"Like one Uncle John wears?" He shook his head. "What color was it?"

"Red and black."

"Did it look like this?" She grabbed a piece of paper and a couple of crayons from a nearby box. On it, she drew a few red squares and a few black ones, imitating a plaid pattern. Holding it up, she asked again, "Like this?" Ben nodded. "And what color was his t-shirt?"

"White..." It seemed as though he was going to say more and Olivia noticed this as well.

"What is it, Ben?"

"When he left... it was red."

It took all of my self restraint, and Cragen's hand on my arm, to keep me from going into that room and taking him away. At that point, Olivia looked up at us through the window and I saw the pain in her eyes, on her face. I wanted to go in and hug Ben, and then her, for being so great with kids, hell, just for being her. But Cragen's presence made me stop, once again.

"Did the man wear glasses?" Ben shook his head. "Did he say anything?" He didn't move or answer. Just stared at Olivia. "What did he say, Ben?" Still nothing. Olivia was looking at Ben when Cragen put his hand on my shoulder.

"Go in. That's enough for today." I met his eyes for a moment before entering the room and finally picking up and hugging Ben. Olivia followed Ben's movement with her eyes before standing.

"You did good, Ben. You did good." He buried his head in the crook of my neck and I held him as he started to cry. Glancing at Olivia, she nodded slowly, as if in agreement, then left, patting me on the back as she left me standing alone in the room with Ben. I closed my eyes and rubbed his back. "Shh... you did good."

He turned his head and said into my neck, "Do I have to do that again?"

And there was one question_ I _couldn't answer.


	16. Harm

"We have reason to suspect that whoever killed your brother and his wife are out to harm you."

I looked at Cragen. I was already convinced that Cragen's statement was true, but hearing them spoken by someone else... I had heard those words many times over the course of the years, but they had never been directed at me. They were always said to another broken hearted man or woman, someone who was just a name associated to a dead body. But now, I truly knew that they were never just names. They were people, whole identities that were lying broken and bleeding from the blows to their loved one. People who were hurting and trying to move on, while at the same time holding on with all their might to the past and what once was.

To what was left of their loved one.

And now I was one of those people, one in that endless line of people. "Am I gonna get a protection detail or something?"

"Department's gotta protect it's own, and that includes you. A uniformed officer will be posted outside your apartment and will follow you wherever you go; store, work, Ben's school. Security will also be increased at Ben's school and he will be released to no one but you. Now, John, I don't wanna hear you complain about this."

"I wasn't planning on it," I said. "In fact, I think I'll enjoy it if it means Ben will be safe."

He nodded.

"Anything else?" I asked after a moment. He seemed as if he wanted to say more.

"How're you doin'?"

"Good, considering. Now that Ben's talking, makes things a hell of a lot easier. No more guessing at what he wants."

"That's good."

"I was thinking about coming back to work once Ben starts school."

"As long as you're ready. I'll try and let you work around Ben's schedule, if it helps."

"I don't think it'll need much changing, as long as I don't have to pull too many all nighters; I don't have anyone to watch him and I don't want him hangin' around the office. And if someone is out to get me, I don't want to put anyone else in danger, no matter who the hell is guarding my door."

He nodded. "Fair enough. We'll talk more about it when you get back. And I'm sure Fin'll be glad to have you back."

I smiled. "The way he tells it, Kearney is worse than I am, in all ways possible." After a moment, "Thanks, Don."

He nodded again and I took that as a dismissal and stood, leaving him to whatever he did in that office of his. Fin had Ben on his lap, looking at pictures of ex-cons on his computer. "Any luck?"

Fin looked up, along with Ben. Fin shook his head. "Still lookin'."

"How many more do I have to look at, Uncle John?" Ben queried, sounding tired. He was still waking up every night at least once.

"Well, you know that if you see the man we can find him and punish him, right?"

"Yeah, but I'm tired."

I looked at Fin. "You know what, we'll do some later. Why don't you take a break?" Fin answered for me.

Ben hopped off Fin's lap. "Go up to the crib. I'll be up in a minute," I told him. He trudged off, his feet dragging. "Nothing at all, huh?"

He shook his head. "I lost count of all the ugly mugs we looked at. We sent the sketch down to Baltimore; they're checking it against their files. Gonna be a couple days probably."

"They got their own cases to worry about. You know, I don't even know if anyone I know still works in the unit. Been outta touch for so long it's probably all rookies." I shook my head. "Now see, if someone down there remembers me, we might have a snowball's chance in hell of getting something by tomorrow."

Fin shrugged. "That's just how it is, man. You move away, lose touch with the old crowd, next thing you know, everyone's a stranger. Don't sweat it. We'll get him."

I snorted. "One thing I learned on this job is to never promise something you can't deliver." Turning, I went up to the crib, finding Ben laying on one of the beds, nearly asleep. "Hey, kiddo."

"Uncle John, can I ask you a question?"

"You just did."

"Uncle John," he said, annoyed. I smiled and he asked, "Why'd that man kill mom and dad?"

I had been waiting for him to ask me that since it had happened. Even when he wasn't talking, I was expecting it. And, even with four weeks' preparation, I still didn't know how to answer him. "Sometimes, people don't like other people, whether it be because of their skin color, their nationality, the kind of people they hang out with or just because of something that person did that upset them. There's not always a clear reason for why people hurt each other."

"But what did they do that the man didn't like?"

I looked at him, hard. "Elliot and Olivia... they think that someone may want to hurt me, so they went after my brother, because they thought it would hurt me."

His eyebrows scrunched together and he looked down, obviously trying to comprehend the information I had just given him. Looking up, he asked, "But why would someone want to hurt you? You're a cop."

"Exactly. I've arrested lots of people, both those who were guilty and those who were innocent. And most of the guilty people have gone to jail, but some innocent people have gone, too, even though I didn't think they were innocent when I arrested them. See, sometimes, the evidence we have points to the wrong person and there's no specific evidence saying that it can't be them. So we arrest them and then we prosecute them and if we win, if a jury finds them guilty, they go to jail. When they get out, they might want revenge on the people who sent them to jail, so they might try to hurt them. Do you understand?"

He nodded.

"You good now?"

He nodded again.

"Good, now, get some sleep. I'll be downstairs if you need me." He knew what I meant by this and laid down again. I smiled and got up after ruffling his hair once. Going back downstairs, I could hear Benson and Stabler arguing over something. When they saw me though, they stopped.

"Hey, John. How's Ben doing?" Olivia asked.

"He's up in the crib, taking a nap."

"Still not sleeping well?"

I shook my head. "No, and neither have I. I should be in the bed next to his."

"Whay aren't you?" Elliot asked.

I shrugged. "I can go longer without sleep than he can."

"You don't have to work, go ahead," Olivia pushed

I shook my head again, collapsing in my desk, which, for the time being, was Kearney's. "Where is he anyway?"

Fin looked up from a paper he was reading. "Kearney? Who cares?"

"I heard that." Kearney walked in then, throwing a file down on his, my, desk. "Outta my seat, Munch."

"Hey, respect your elders." I wagged a finger at him.

"Respect my space."

"This is only your desk temporarily. In case you haven't noticed, it's still my name plate there, still my pictures and still my stuff. And if I find even one paperclip missing, you are going to pay, my friend."

"But you're not back on duty yet, so out." He jerked his thumb over his shoulder.

"Why don't you go take a walk, Kearney?" Fin interjected. "Bother someone else."

"And what if I don't? What are you gonna do about it?"

Fin glared at him. "None of us are scared of you, no matter how much you want us to be. And none of us respect you. You want our respect, being rude isn't going to help your case. Now, take a walk, or shut the hell up."

I clapped, smiling. "Bravo, bravo." Looking up, I saw Kearney lose his smug smile and turn sour. I could have sworn that I heard him mutter, "Damn Narc," but it might have just been my imagination. I leaned back as all four of us watched him stalk out.

"So when are you coming back?" Elliot asked.

"Next week, once Ben starts school."

"Thank God," Fin said. "Be glad to be rid of that damn egotistical maniac. Even if I have to hear you rant about black helicopters."

"It's good to be loved," I remarked.

Fin looked up. "That ain't love, partner. That's respecting my elders."

"That hurts." I put my hand on my chest. "That really cuts deep."

"Detective Munch, your nephew wants you," a uniform shouted from the stairs. The smile that had been on my face disappeared as I stood and went back upstairs. I found Ben sitting up in the bed, hugging his knees.

"Hey, kiddo. It's all right. It's over." I sat down next to him and rubbed his back.

"It's never gonna be over, is it?"


	17. Personal

A/N: Only one more chapter and then the epilogue, folks!

"Hello?"

"Munch, hey, I found that file."

I skipped the formalities. "Who is he?" After racking my brains for the past four days and turning up nothing, I was desperate.

"Ernest Vaughan. He killed his '91, convicted '92 for twenty to life, like you said. 'Cept we made a mistake; he didn't kill his brother. His lawyer filed an appeal and he was released November of last year. 'Stead, Riley Whittaker was arrested December of last year and he's still waitin' for a trial date."

"Could you send me a picture of him?"

"Step ahead of you, Munchkin." I could hear the grin in her voice. "Your boys up there gonna nail his ass to the wall, huh?"

"Looks like." I couldn't help but smile as well. "Listen... Kay, thank you."

"That's what I'm here for. Don't be afraid to pick up that phone more often, either. I could use a laugh now and then."

"Will do, Sarge."

"You stop that right now." Although she sounded annoyed, it was over run by the smile still in her voice.

"Yes, ma'am."

"Munch," she warned and I broke down laughing. She joined me.

"Thanks, Kay," I said again. "I'll call you."

"Good. See ya."

"Bye." I hung up the phone, in a thoroughly better mood than I had been in before she called. Picking up the phone again, I called Fin at work. "Hey, Fin. It's me. Listen, Kay-"

"Friend from Baltimore?" he interrupted.

"Yeah. She got the file about that guy I saw on the tape. Name's Ernest Vaughan. We arrested him in '91, convicted in '92. Appealed and got out last November. They arrested some other guy, Riley Whittaker, in December, who's waiting for a court date to be set."

I heard Fin's muffled voice, he must have put his hand over the mouthpiece of the phone, as he relayed the information to Olivia or Elliot. "They're gonna go visit his apartment," he said as he came back to me. "I'll call you when they get back."

"Talk to you later then." He hung up and I did too. I set the phone down and sighed. Finally, some real progress. Four weeks later, true, but progress that meant names. Addresses. Not just a silent kid and silent corpses. This was real and I couldn't help but picture Elliot and Olivia going to Vaughan's apartment. It played out like a well worn movie in my head, but this time it had a fresh spin on it. With this guy, it was personal. With this guy... he had taken out my family. Left me with a damaged nephew and funeral home bills. This guy was getting his ass nailed to the wall for a very long time. I was going to make sure of it.


	18. Promise

A/N: This is it, last chapter. Well, there's the epilogue, but this is the last real chapter. At least in my mind... DS, for you, because I know you've been waiting forever for this.

"Now, Ben, I'm going to show you six different people. I need you to look carefully and tell me if you recognize any of them. Take your time." Elliot slid the six pack towards Ben.

Ben looked hard at the pictures, the faces of men staring back at him. After a minute he said, "That one." He pointed to a man in the center of the bottom row.

"And where have you seen him before?"

"He was the man who hurt my mom and dad," he said, very quietly.

Olivia and Elliot met eyes, then Olivia walked out to where Cragen, Fin and I stood. "He picked Vaughan."

Cragen looked at me a moment before saying, "Pick him up."

I followed Olivia back into the room and knelt before Ben. "I'm gonna leave you with an officer here. You be good, okay?"

"Where are you going?"

"Don't worry about me. Just stay here. How about I get Officer Tigalin?"

"Don't go, Uncle John," he begged. "Please, stay here."

"I've gotta go. I promise, I'll be back." Throwing himself at me from his chair, he latched onto my neck. "Ben..."

"No. You're not going."

"Ben, please. I'll be back before you know it."

"Hey, Ben! Come here. I've got somethin' for you." Officer Tigalin was behind me.

"I don't want him to go! Make him stay," he pleaded with her.

"He has to go. Come on, we'll do something fun while he's gone."

"I'll be right back," I repeated. He finally let go and Tigalin took his hand and took him away, though he looked back the whole time.

"He all right?" Olivia asked when I exited the room.

I looked at her. "Yeah. Just doesn't want me to go."

"Maybe you shouldn't."

"No. I'm coming. This is my brother's murderer. I want to see him get cuffed."

She looked at me doubtfully. "All right."

"ESU gonna meet us?"

"Yeah, Cragen called 'em."

* * *

We pulled up at the end of the block, Benson and Stabler on the other end. ESU pulled up behind us and we continued down the street, pulling up in front of Vaughan's building. We got out, drawing our guns already and stood on the sidewalk for a moment while Cragen and the ESU sergeant talked, or rather, Cragen told him to send guys around the back while most went in the front with us. The sergeant nodded and Cragen waved his arm and yelled, "Let's go!" to the men, and woman, gathered around.

Soon, after we had all thundered up the stairs, Stabler was pounding on the door. "Ernest Vaughan! This is the police. Open up!" After waiting for a moment, Cragen nodded and the ESU boys broke down the door and we poured in to find Vaughan pointing two guns at us, one in each shaking hand. "Put down the guns, Ernest, or you go down," Stabler warned. Seconds passed, about ten guys holding their guns at one man. "Put 'em down."

Vaughan started to slowly bend down to drop them, then quickly straightened, but before he could fire, he was shot in the shoulder and fell down with yell. Stabler rushed forward and cuffed him. "Ernest Vaughan, you're under arrest for the murder of Bernard Munch and the rape and murder of Emilia Munch. You have the right to remain silent. If you give up that right, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you can't afford one, one will be provided. Do you understand?" He snarled, though I couldn't decide if it was from pain or anger at being caught.

"ETA on the bus is five minutes," Fin said. I hadn't even realized he'd called a bus.

"He doesn't deserve it," I said, still staring at the man who had killed my brother.

"How does it feel, Detective Munch?" Vaughan said. "To have your brother killed without reason."

I didn't honor him with a response, though Elliot did give a jerk on Vaughan's arms, causing him to yell out in pain. My jaw clenched, I turned and left the dingy apartment and went back downstairs and out onto the street.

"You okay?" Fin asked from behind me as I leaned against our car and loosened the straps on my bullet proof vest.

I didn't say anything at first, just continued taking off my vest, which felt as if it was suffocating me. "For now, yeah. Beyond that, I couldn't tell you."

I thought he had left, but then he said, "Novak's gonna nail his ass to the wall."

No response came to mind as I opened the trunk and the bus came rolling down the street, lights and sirens going. I watched for a moment, one hand still holding onto the trunk door as the medics threw open the back, grabbed their bags and a backboard and ran into the building. Then, I looked back down and threw my vest in the trunk. "Your's need to go in?" I asked.

He walked over and stood next to me as he undid the straps and took it off, also throwing it in the trunk. I slammed it close. "C'mon," he said quietly. "Let's go back to the house."

Neither of us moved and I said, "You know, when this all started, I promised I'd see whoever killed my brother and his wife arrested and thrown in jail. And I promised it because I wanted Ben to feel like some sort of justice had been done concerning his parents, so that he could look back one day, and instead of wondering who changed his life forever, be able to name him and say, 'yeah, that guy's in jail for the rest of his pathetic life.' Today, before we left, Ben begged me not to go. Begged me. I told him, I promised him I'd come back. And I can't help but think, what if I had gotten shot just now? I could've. Any of us could've. I wouldn't come back and he'd really be alone. This whole case... it's been full of promises that could've been easily broken, yet I kept making them, thinking, hoping that at least one of them will have to prove true." I looked at Fin. "What if they hadn't?"

"But they did, and there's no point in wondering 'what if.' You and I both know that it isn't gonna get you anywhere, and you know what? It doesn't have to."

Unable to think of anything to say, I finally walked to my car door, just as they brought Vaughan out. I opened my door and Stabler and Benson walked over. "You all right?" Benson asked.

I nodded. "Yeah. Thanks."

"What? You think we were gonna let that bastard get away?" Stabler said.

I smiled a bit. "Nah, not really. See you back at the house?"

"Yeah," Benson said. "See you."

I nodded and got in the car, Fin doing the same on the other side. Turning to him, I said, "Let's go, partner."


	19. EPILOGUE

A/N: After this epilogue, I've got a surprise for you people.

"Got everything?"

"Yes, Uncle John, I've got everything."

"All your bags?"

He laughed. "You sound like a mother hen."

"He is," Fin and Olivia remarked at the same time, then Olivia continued, "You should hear him at work."

"I have and you're right." He shook his head. "I'll be fine, Uncle John. It's just college."

"You hear this boy? Just college? When I went to college..." I said

"When you went to college, it took money and power to get in. Now everybody goes," Fin said.

"That's exactly my point. With all those kids he's more likely to get mixed in with the wrong crowd," I argued.

"It's a military college," Ben pointed out.

"Then there's even more a chance."

Ben, Fin and Olivia laughed. "I promise I'll be good, now can I go?"

I looked at him, serious now. "Come here." He walked over obediently and I wrapped my arms around him. He returned the hug. "You take care, or I'm bustin' you outta that joint. You here? And I'll drag Fin along too."

"Great, just what I wanna do," Fin muttered.

"I will," Ben promised. I ruffled his hair and let him go. "Uncle John..." he groaned.

"I know, I know. Don't mess with the hair." I smiled. "Gonna be quiet without you around."

"I'll be home before you know it."

I should stop beating around the bush and holding onto him, I thought. Just say it. "Well, that's it I guess. Goodbye."

"I'll call when I get there. See ya, Fin. Olivia."

Fin nodded his head. "See ya."

Olivia nodded and I thought she might cry. She stepped forward and hugged Ben. "Do good," she whispered in his ear.

"Well," he corrected, just as quiet.

"No good. Do good."

At last, he caught her meaning and gave her one last squeeze. "Bye." He waved, finally walking off towards his gate. I waved back and watched as he handed the lady his ticket and waved once more before boarding the plane. I sighed.

I never had liked saying goodbye.


End file.
